The Truth About Gehenna
Category:World of DarknessCategory:Humor What happens when the Antediluvians start fighting? TREMERE: "Awright, Haqim! I have HAD it with you! You're gonna die!" HAQIM: "Says you. Phbbbt!" TREMERE: "Oh, yeah? Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames! I blow up Asia!" HAQIM: "Celerity 10. I dodge. I'm now standing in the middle of the ocean." TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I boil the oceans." HAQIM: "Obfuscate 10. What ocean?" TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Movement of the Mind. I hit the remaining ocean with the moon." LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Obtenebration 9. What moon?" TREMERE: "Auspex 10. *That* moon." LASOMBRA: "Tag out!" HAQIM: "Oh crap. Umm... Quietus 10." TREMERE: "Here comes the big ball of rock, baby!" (HAQIM is squished) BRUJAH: "Didn't Haqim just activate Quietus 10?" NOSFERATU: "And it was a surprisingly quiet squishing. Stupid discipline." TREMERE: "Lasombra..." LASOMBRA: "Tag, um, Tzimisce!" TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Try that moon trick now, spellboy." TREMERE: "Tag Ventrue!" VENTRUE: "Dominate 10. Who's your daddy?" TZIMISCE: "You're my daddy." LASOMBRA: "Tag in! Potence 10. Feel the pain!" VENTRUE: "Fortitude 10! What pain?" LASOMBRA: "Obtenebration 10! I hope you like small, dark, places." VENTRUE: "Fuck." (VENTRUE vanishes) LASOMBRA: "I have ALWAYS wanted to do that." TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. Lasombra, you're now a small ball of cheese." SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "WHY?" TZIMISCE: "Ventrue still calls the shots. Read Dominate 10." SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Damn, he's right." TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. Horde of cheese-eating mice." SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: "Obtenebration 10. I am a shadow of a small ball of cheese." TZIMISCE: "Tag Tremere!" TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. Shadow of fondue, you mean." SMALL BALL OF CHEESE: *fwoosh* NOSFERATU: "Animalism 10. They're MY horde of mice." TZIMISCE: "Animalism 10. Mine." NOSFERATU: "Mine!" TZIMISCE: "Gimme!" BRUJAH: "Celerity 10 AND Potence 10. I crush Tzimisce and Nosferatu while they're still arguing about the mice." NOSFERATU: "Urk." dies TZIMISCE: "Urk." reforms "Love that Vicissitude 10." BRUJAH: "Oh, dearie." TZIMISCE: "Now the mice are MINE!" (MASKED AVENGER #1 appears from nowhere) MASKED AVENGER #1: "All of you shall die for consorting with our enemies! Or, in some cases, actually being our enemies." ENNOIA: "Who the heck are *you*?" MASKED AVENGER #1: "Oh, sorry. I'm early." (MASKED AVENGER #1 vanishes) TZIMISCE: "Not even the first Masked Avenger, whoever he was, can stop me!" ARIKEL: "Auspex 10. What *can* stop someone with Vicissitude 10? Oh, diablerie." TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy something or other. I weaken Arikel a generation." ARIKEL: "You just made that up!" TREMERE: "Trust me, you'll like it." BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I expend a barrage of fisticuffs upon Tzimisce." TZIMISCE: "Vicissitude 10. I can ignore them." ENNOIA: "Animalism 10. My mice." TZIMISCE: "Mine!" TREMERE: "Quick, Arikel! Diablerize Tzimisce while he's distracted!" AUGUSTUS: "Necromancy 10, Bone Path! The dead have risen- and they're voting Republican!" TREMERE: "Don't you guys *ever* stop worrying about temporal power?" AUGUSTUS: "Umm. No." MALKAV: "Dementation 10! Everyone goes absolutely crazy!" (there is a pause) (the pause lengthens) BRUJAH: "You feel any different, Ennoia?" ENNOIA: "Nope. You?" BRUJAH: "Nope. Tremere?" TREMERE: "Nope." AUGUSTUS: "Me neither." BRUJAH: "Nobody asked you." MALKAV: "Well, THAT was a non-starter." TZIMISCE: "Well, I *gurgle*..." ARIKEL (dropping diablerized corpse of Tzimisce): "*I* sure feel different!" ENNOIA: "Well, that settles it. My mice." ARIKEL: "I now have Animalism 10. Mine!" MALKAV: "CATFIGHT!" BRUJAH: "Mousefight, actually." AUGUSTUS: "How droll." TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Hands of Destruction. I kill the freakin' mice, already." ARIKEL: "Waaahhh!" AUGUSTUS: "Zombie mice!" ENNOIA: "Bastards." (MASKED AVENGERS #1, #2, and #3 appear) MASKED AVENGER #2: "Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avengers!" MASKED AVENGER #3: "Especially you, Tremere!" MASKED AVENGER #2: "No, especially *you*, Augustus!" MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!" MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!" ENNOIA: "Who *are* you guys, anyway?" MASKED AVENGER #3: "It's a secret. That's why we're wearing masks." BRUJAH: "Speaking of which, why does your mask have three eyeholes?" MASKED AVENGER #3: "To be distinctive." BRUJAH: "Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of wearing a mask?" MASKED AVENGER #1: "You always were a smartass." BRUJAH: "Potence 10. I punch the first Masked Avenger." MASKED AVENGER #1: "Ow." dies MASKED AVENGER #2: "We other Masked Avengers are not so easily thwarted! We shall have our revenge! Especially on you, Augustus!" MASKED AVENGER #3: "Tremere!" MASKED AVENGER #2: "Augustus!" AUGUSTUS: "Can we get rid of these guys?" TREMERE: "Sure you take care of the guy with the three eyeholes in his mask, and I'll take the guy who says he's my archenemy." MASKED AVENGER #3: "I, with the three eyes, am your archenemy, Tremere." TREMERE: "Whatever." AUGUSTUS: "Potence 10. I crush the guy with the three eyes." MASKED AVENGER #3: "Fortitude 10. I soak." TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I obliterate Masked Avenger #2." MASKED AVENGER #2: "Fortitude 10. I soak." BRUJAH: "Like the guest that won't leave, aren't they?" AUGUSTUS: "I can handle this. Necromancy 10, Ash Path. I summon the spirits of those who have died tragically." SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY: "We are here." AUGUSTUS: "Explain your tragedies to the Masked Avengers." (The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so) MASKED AVENGER #3: "Oh, the Angst! I cannot *bear* it!" (MASKED AVENGER #3 commits suicide) MASKED AVENGER #2: "How fascinating. I wish to learn more." AUGUSTUS: "Spirits of those who have died tragically, return to the Shadowlands." (The SPIRITS OF THOSE WHO HAVE DIED TRAGICALLY do so) MASKED AVENGER #2: "I must follow them to learn more." (MASKED AVENGER #2 commits suicide) ARIKEL: "Well, *that* took forever. But now it's done. Now what?" TREMERE: "Auspex 10 and Thaumaturgy 10, Lure of Flames. I incinerate Set in that corner he's been hiding." (SET turns to ashes) AUGUSTUS: "Letting everyone else do the fighting and taking out the winners? I am shocked, SHOCKED." BRUJAH: "Shocked that you didn't think of it first." AUGUSTUS: "And I *deeply* deplore that." (MASKED AVENGER #1 appears) MASKED AVENGER #1: "Prepare to meet final death at the hands of the Masked Avenger!" BRUJAH: "You ever have the feeling of deja vu?" MASKED AVENGER #1: "Constantly." ENNOIA: "Enough of this. Protean 10. Welcome to the sun, boys!" TREMERE: "Hah! Thaumaturgy 10, Invulnerable Weakness!" (MASKED AVENGER #1 goes *fwoosh*) (BRUJAH goes *fwoosh*) (MALKAV goes *fwoosh*) (ARIKEL goes *fwoosh*) AUGUSTUS: "Hah! You've played perfectly into my master plan! No, wait." (AUGUSTUS goes *fwoosh*) TREMERE: "Thaumaturgy 10, Neptune's Might. I extinguish Ennoia." (ENNOIA goes *fwoosh*) TREMERE: "Woo hoo, I won!" RAVNOS: "Forgot me." TREMERE: "You? Where the heck have you been?" RAVNOS: "Keeping a low profile." TREMERE: "And you didn't burn up in the sun?" RAVNOS: "Fortitude 10, baby. And I'll thank you not to kill off my mice." TREMERE: "PREPARE TO DIE!" RAVNOS: "Not so fast! Chimeristry 10!" TREMERE: "Chimeristry 10? You mean..." RAVNOS: "Yup. Reality. I'll turn us all into a roleplaying game." TREMERE: "You wouldn't!" RAVNOS: "I just did." TREMERE: "NOOOOOOOO!!!" (RAVNOS, TREMERE, and the corpses of the other antediluvians are replaced by a series of hardback and paperback game supplements) THE END